We don’t know what we’ve got until its gone

You know this time is a lot different than last time, I had such little understanding of myself, or change, or whatever last time. I'm still sad, that's the same, and I'm allowed to be. But I think that this time is worse in a way, it's worse because I realized even more how much I've failed myself, and someone I love. The thing I'm most afraid of? That it won't change anything, that I will continue doing what I always do, satisfied with what is handed to me and never working towards what I really want. I've already wasted so much time already.

Let me set everyone straight before they start trash talking. Three years is a long time to wait for someone, it'll be three years next Tuesday. Even less if you count the plentyoffish stalking, myspace messages, and IM'ing. Three years ago I met an amazing boy, this boy and I had sparks the moment we met each other... we haven't been apart since. We tried dating, we tried the gf/bf thing, and it didn't work out, not back then, not with so much we needed to work on. Over the past three years our communication has improved tenfold. His temper subsided and was more controllable and manageable, he became more caring, loving, sweet. He started working out, changing his body to what he wanted to be. He worked, and he worked hard towards the goals that he wanted, and a lot of the goals that I wanted for him. He's turned himself into almost the perfect lifelong companion. And what have I done? In the last three years I've worked out a lot of my issues involving my family. I've worked on my anxiety and depression. My trust issues are coming along. I'm learning more how to control my emotions and take control of my life, to put myself first for once. What else? I talked a lot, I promised a lot of promises. I haven't been happy with my weight since I was 16/17 years old. And what did I do about it? Tried, failed, tried, failed... never actually did it, never tried hard enough, never really wanted it, never had the motivation. I am worried that I never will.

Over the years ppl have told me that he should just love me the way that I am, he does. I cannot fault someone for not wanting to be with me when I wouldn't want to be with me either. When I am upset and disgusted by what *I* see in the mirror. He made the effort to change everything that I wanted him to change, I didn't make that effort. So, I've lost him in that capacity for now. Maybe I'll get my act together, maybe they won't be right for each other and maybe someday we'll be Ross and Rachel. He kept saying "too little, too late," I can't fault him for not "holding his breath" any longer...three years is a long time to wait for someone. Especially after all talk I did, how could he have faith in my changing if all I ever did was talk about it and I never actually did anything.

Moral of the story, if I want this to end differently I need to stop waiting for things to happen to me and actually go out there and make things happen. Meanwhile, I might be a little sad. Give me a hug, I don't really want to talk about it, most ppl don't seem to understand, so it's just upsetting to even say anything (even to my old therapist). And like I've always said, if I don't end up meeting him at the end of the aisle, he'll be the one walking me down it.


Baozi is the umbrella term for mantou that has a filling. Mantou is usually steamed, whereas baozi can either be steamed or baked. Hum bao is the mandarin term for bbq pork buns, char siu bao is the cantonese term. To all my filipino friends out there it's siopao, literally meaning steamed buns. Now that the vocab lesson is over, onto the "recipe."

In a discussion with my Other Asian Half it has been discovered that we both have the same cooking styles passed on from our Asian mothers, you don't measure, you eyeball, taste and adjust as needed. Which means that giving people recipes is extremely difficult.


All-purpose flour
Warm water
Vegetable oil
Active dry yeast
Baking powder

White sugar
Pork or Chicken
Hoisin sauce
Soy sauce
Oyster sauce
Sesame oil
Ground Red Pepper

Will need:
Mixing bowls
Foreman Grill
Steamer (I use a rice cooker with the steamer attachment, or a wok with a steamer attachment)
Cheese Cloth/Paper towel
A stove pot
Rolling pin

The night before 
Take a bag/bowl/whatever place your meat in it, pour about equal amount of Hoisin and Soy Sauce over it until the meat is 'swimming' in the bowl, then add a bit of sugar. Mix well, puncturing holes in the meat, allow to marinate in refrigerator overnight. 

Next day
Stir your bowl of meat around, make sure everything is covered and coated in sauce, place back in refrigerator.

Take your yeast, place in bowl with some warm water and sugar, whisk until foamy (or wait 10ish minutes), add a little bit of vegetable oil. Then add flour and more water until you reach the desired about of dough. Turn dough onto a floured surface and knead until the dough is smooth and elastic (about 10-15 minutes of straight kneading, this is very important!). Form a ball, place dough in an oiled bowl twice its size. Place dough in a warm place for a few hours, until it has almost doubled in size.

Now go watch a movie (~2hours)

Take your meat out, warm up your Foreman Grill, grill mean until it is cooked and charred. Cut mean into desired size, I like small cubes about the size of half a die. Now in a pot on the stove get some water boiling, add soy sauce, oyster sauce, sesame oil, ground red pepper and sugar (taste and adjust to your preferences, it helps if you've eaten them before, or else you will probably get the taste completely off, and sorry I don't have amounts for you). Turn down heat, stir in cornstarch until goey and thickened. Stir in meat. Take off heat. 

Turn on steamer to get it going, place wet cheese cloth/or wet paper towel in steamer (it needs to remain wet or else the baozi will stick to it! You also have the choice of getting rice paper and cutting it into squares and cooking it on those like they do in the restaurants). Now, go find you ball of dough, place it on a lightly floured surface. Punch dough down in middle add about a quarter size of baking powder, fold in. Knead until the dough is smooth and elastic (about 10-15 minutes of straight kneading, this is very, VERY important!) Roll dough into a long roll. Cut off inch chunks, using your rolling pin make them flat circles. Center needs to be thicker than the edges! Hold dough in hand, spoon meat into center of dough, pinch dough together to form a bun. Repeat. 

Once steamer has started boiling, begin placing buns on cheese cloth/paper towel. Steam buns until dough is light and fluffy, eat, enjoy, love!


I think the reason I never update this blog is that I still haven't found a template that I really like. Well, hopefully this one sticks around for a while.

Lots of things have been changing, and quite frankly I'm a bit too tired to talk about them right now.

I've bought a cat, her name is Emma
I've moved to ghetto Mount Vernon, to my very own studio
I'm terrible at unpacking, very VERY overwhelmed
I'm ridiculously broke, like actually this time
I'm behind at work, about one-two weeks behind
A lot of my friends are getting on my nerves
There are not enough hours in the day
My back still hurts... a lot
I've been using copious amounts of coffee to keep me functioning
I'm, apparently, unable to operate the delayed timer on my coffee maker properly
I can't find my damn coffee grinder
I'm trying to read again
I finally got the queen sized boxspring under my bed, still need to dispose of the full
I still need to finish PAINTING
I'm exhausted.

Gym starts back up tomorrow, 8am, hopefully that'll get me to be a bit more productive, it'll at least get me feeling better again.

Adventure?... ADVENTURE!

When? April 16, 2011 
Time? Leaving Burlington Fred Meyers at 10am
Destination? Port Townsend!

We will meet up on Saturday, APRIL 16, 2011 at 10:00am in the Fred Meyer parking lot in Burlington, WA (I've given you plenty of time to request it off work!) and park our cars on the south side of the building between Freddies and Gilkey Rd. 

From there we shall gather up and carpool to Coupville, WA and catch the NOON ferry. There is plenty of street parking for all the carpoolers! The cost of the ferry is $2.75 one way! The machines take Debit and Credit Cards.

Then we shall arrive in Port Townsend, dine at Waterfront Pizza (YUM!) and begin our PHOTO ADVENTURE! There will be enough antiques and little shops to keep us busy for a few hours! Then we will catch the 5:15 or 6:45pm ferry back to Coupville and carpool back to Fred Meyers!

Required Items:
A Camera! Any old camera will do, even your phone will suffice!
Decent Shoes! There will be walking!
A Jacket! Because it will most likely be cold!

Average cost of trip: $20 (gas contribution, ferry ticket, lunch)

Everyone is invited (if I didn't invite you come anyways)! I highly suggest inviting your friends and figuring out who is carpooling with whom!

Facebook event link: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=188219504548060

Power 90 eXtreme

January 16th is the day I began P90x. I'm doing pretty well, taking quite a few break days but I'm making it through! 

So here's my workout schedule for the rest of "Phase One" (I've changed it around a bit to better fit into my schedule):

1/26: Legs and Back, Ab Ripper X
1/27: Rest  (yes I made today a rest day :P)
1/28: Plyometrics
1/29: Shoulders and Arms, Ab Ripper X
1/30: X Stretch
1/31: Chest and Back, Ab Ripper X
2/1: Kenpo X

2/2: Legs and Back, Ab Ripper x
2/3: Plyometrics
2/4: Shoulders and Arms, Ab Ripper X
2/5: Chest and Back, Ab Ripper X
2/6: Kenpo X

2/7: Rest or Cardio at some "offsite fitness center"
2/8: Rest or Cardio at some "offsite fitness center"
2/9: Rest of Cardio at some "offsite fitness center"

2/10: Core Synergistics 
2/11: Kenpo X
2/12: Core Synergistics
2/13: X Stretch and Measure Day!

Food: 1200 calories, tracking it to the best of my ability 
Water: at least 48oz a day
One protein bar a day!

A diet is the penalty we pay for exceeding the feed limit.

New Years Goals (It's never too late to have new goals):

Current Weight: 210lbs, 33.9 BMI, Obese

1st:      199lbs, 32.1 BMI, Obese Range
2nd:    185lbs, 29.9 BMI, Overweight Range
3rd:     170lbs, 27.4 BMI, Overweight Range - High school weight - Before July 22
4th:     154lbs, 24.4 BMI, Normal Range
5th:     150lbs, 24.2 BMI, Normal Range - FINAL GOAL - Before 2012

"Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels."