We don’t know what we’ve got until its gone

You know this time is a lot different than last time, I had such little understanding of myself, or change, or whatever last time. I'm still sad, that's the same, and I'm allowed to be. But I think that this time is worse in a way, it's worse because I realized even more how much I've failed myself, and someone I love. The thing I'm most afraid of? That it won't change anything, that I will continue doing what I always do, satisfied with what is handed to me and never working towards what I really want. I've already wasted so much time already.

Let me set everyone straight before they start trash talking. Three years is a long time to wait for someone, it'll be three years next Tuesday. Even less if you count the plentyoffish stalking, myspace messages, and IM'ing. Three years ago I met an amazing boy, this boy and I had sparks the moment we met each other... we haven't been apart since. We tried dating, we tried the gf/bf thing, and it didn't work out, not back then, not with so much we needed to work on. Over the past three years our communication has improved tenfold. His temper subsided and was more controllable and manageable, he became more caring, loving, sweet. He started working out, changing his body to what he wanted to be. He worked, and he worked hard towards the goals that he wanted, and a lot of the goals that I wanted for him. He's turned himself into almost the perfect lifelong companion. And what have I done? In the last three years I've worked out a lot of my issues involving my family. I've worked on my anxiety and depression. My trust issues are coming along. I'm learning more how to control my emotions and take control of my life, to put myself first for once. What else? I talked a lot, I promised a lot of promises. I haven't been happy with my weight since I was 16/17 years old. And what did I do about it? Tried, failed, tried, failed... never actually did it, never tried hard enough, never really wanted it, never had the motivation. I am worried that I never will.

Over the years ppl have told me that he should just love me the way that I am, he does. I cannot fault someone for not wanting to be with me when I wouldn't want to be with me either. When I am upset and disgusted by what *I* see in the mirror. He made the effort to change everything that I wanted him to change, I didn't make that effort. So, I've lost him in that capacity for now. Maybe I'll get my act together, maybe they won't be right for each other and maybe someday we'll be Ross and Rachel. He kept saying "too little, too late," I can't fault him for not "holding his breath" any longer...three years is a long time to wait for someone. Especially after all talk I did, how could he have faith in my changing if all I ever did was talk about it and I never actually did anything.

Moral of the story, if I want this to end differently I need to stop waiting for things to happen to me and actually go out there and make things happen. Meanwhile, I might be a little sad. Give me a hug, I don't really want to talk about it, most ppl don't seem to understand, so it's just upsetting to even say anything (even to my old therapist). And like I've always said, if I don't end up meeting him at the end of the aisle, he'll be the one walking me down it.

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