I really think that I go out of my way to hurt myself on purpose sometimes, I have a weird sense of curiosity. I wonder if I do it so I don't feel anymore. I suppose that makes sense right? I mean right now I'm going through pictures and my heart is beating a little bit faster at the words I see, but I keep doing it. I wonder if I'm steeling myself against getting hurt. That makes more sense. I mean my mom taught me years of how I should never let close someone I care about, because THAT just blows up in your face. Oh well. Doesn't really bother me anymore. So I guess I've learned to accept it, and have successfully hardened myself. Maybe I am an "Ice Queen"...

But no matter. (Which is weird because I don't feel at all depressed or annoyed or anger or anything - weird calm). Maybe I'm turning into Corley. That would be weird. But she does have so many  qualities that I would love to have. She has this crazy confidence in herself where she doesn't give a shit what anyone (actually) thinks and if you want to leave you can, doesn't bother her at all. To me, I hold on to people. I think that if I'm terrible to people that they'll leave me. Another product of my joyous upbringing. I think I've finally understood that I can leave Marc be and even get pissed off at him and he will still be my friend. Which is very comforting.

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